I’ve been eating probably about half of my meals vegan. However, I also feel absolutely disgusting when I don’t. Right now I’m very hungry although I feel like I ate total shit the last few days. Pizza Thursday went through in full and I was pretty filled up so I moderated appropriately. Friday I babysat overnight and the kids had – surprise! – pizza. I ordered a salad and that satiated me, although at eleven when three six year old boys sprinted through the house and then the television broke, I did eat a slice. Then, yesterday, well. Yesterday. Yesterday, I ate a bran muffin and a half for breakfast. Then Neags* and I went for a walk to Dupont Circle, and found a place that had tapas and cheap drinks. There I had several drinks, followed by splitting four tapas with Neags, followed by going to the liquor store, followed by many more drinks. At about ten we ordered pizza and I wolfed it down and this morning I woke up with a horrific hangover and heartburn.

I nursed water and diet coke and had a slice of leftover pizza, and then tonight made beans and rice. I’ve been disgusted with myself the last several days, but with the exception of yesterday’s gluttony, I can at least appreciate that I have made borderline conscientious decisions in the heat of the moment. Rico and Neags also gave me thin assurances that I did not say or do anything stupid last night, however I have a brief flashback of announcing an emotional betrayal when Rico off-handedly mentioned that he preferred Domino’s to Papa John’s. I also seem to remember some form of dancing occurring while everyone else sat and had an adult conversation. Awesome. At least there was some cardio involved.

I’m struggling with the fact that I am fully aware that I passed some sort of threshold. I think I maybe gained three or four pounds at the end of summer and during the fall, so it’s hard for me to tell if I feel so gross right now because it’s just a phase or if it’s that I’ve really exploded. This summer, despite the fact that I wasn’t totally happy with my weight (or anywhere near it), I felt very beautiful a lot of the time. I dressed cutely and did my hair and make up and felt like people could and should be attracted to me, in the right moments. I miss that, although I also do like the emotional and physical retreats that I’ve taken into my home and bedroom. I am normally fairly lazy, although I at least have to get out of my bed and room to not feel like an absolute piece of shit. A bizarre transition for me in the past several months has been that I have a hard time getting out of bed. I don’t know where this comes from, but whenever I’m not at home, I’m thinking of it, and I’m thinking of not only being in my house but in my actual bedroom, under the covers. At certain intervals I think it’s the changing of the seasons, the darkened autumn, the chill in the air. At other times I think it’s that I’m feeling gross. At most times I’m worried that it’s a reflection of my overall motivation and somehow indicative of the fact that oh my god i will never get a job and i will foreclose on my house and have to move across the country to live in my parents’ basement away from all of my friends and the life i’ve tried to build and the only handful of things that really make me happy. 

Hopefully I’ll be able to get a dog who will reignite the fires in me. At the very least, he’ll force me to leave my bedroom and go for walks. Hopefully not near any pizzerias.

-

Yesterday the escalator at the Dupont Metro was broken. That is 188 feet at a 30 degree angle. While, on the one hand, this is an obnoxious task, it’s also an entirely surmountable one. There’s nothing to make you feel like a bigger fatass than skipping up those steps and then still sucking wind a full eight minutes later. Granted, I was wearing a sweatshirt and winter coat and it was seventy-two degrees and I had two law school textbooks in my backpack.

Yet, if I, say, had a kid, and a wild animal was chasing us, I’d want to be able to run away from it carrying my child. This has a real world analogy.

While Rico’s parents were in town this weekend, I (drunkenly) relayed a scene in our living room in which I expressed anxiety over the fact that one small elephant was sitting on top of our bar while the other small elephants were on the bookshelf with a bigger elephant. I believe I said something like:

“I just feel a little stressed about the fact that the small elephant is separated from the others.”

Rico waved his hand and said, “It’s fine.”

The point of the story was essentially that Rico had learned to wave off this emotion by honing the skill on his mother, and I unfortunately had learned to make ridiculous statements like that from my mother.

Rico’s father spoke up from the end of the table:

“I’m just glad I gave my son such a great life that the biggest fucking thing he has to worry about is some fake elephants!”

-

I left the house today. And unloaded the dishwasher. And did laundry. And made dinner. And went to the grocery store. This may be a record for the week.

I really love ice cream.

Anyhow, give my meager budget I’m trying to find a book that will help me to both learn about the most healthful, sustainable, and consistent way to eat vegan – as well as provide a pinch-hit when I need something that is a reminder of what all the shit that I love to eat now is like. As Rico* said when I announced my plans to him: “Well, I guess we’d better really live up Pizza Thursdays** for the rest of the year.” Anyhow I think I’ve zeroed in on this book since I can only afford one. If you are for some reason looking to buy me gifts any of the following would be acceptable – I’ve found I tend to surround myself with people who have a ton of disposable income (JOKE).

Vegan on the Cheap by Robin Robertson

Eat Vegan on $4.00 a Day by Ellen Jaffe Jones

Vegan’s Daily Companion by Colleen Patrick-Goudreau

Does anyone know any of these books or have any thoughts about them? If so, or if you know someone who has any recommendations from their own experiences let me know.

In other news right now I’m watching Thinner and it is really a terrible movie. On that note I am at a “peak” of weight right now. My clothes don’t fit the way they used to but my pants are loose around my middle. I wouldn’t say they’re terribly comfortable and I certainly feel bloated. So I’m glad to be moving toward this goal.

Also, I started running yesterday with Couch to 5K. Yesterday I went to the gym and it kicked my ass, and getting to the gym took almost as much cajoling as getting me to leave my bedroom to go hang out with friends. Today I went on a much more mellow run, really at my own speed, up through a different part of my neighborhood and toward one of many of DC’s beautiful universities. It was peaceful and easy and very slow-paced, and right now I’m okay with that. It’s disappointing feeling how far out of shape I am, but it is also reassuring to feel like I can push myself gently toward longer runs. Also toward having a dog to go on long runs with me.

–

The birthday party and going away party were fun on Friday night. I really had a very nice time and enjoyed catching up with people. Once I had a drink or two and felt comfortable in everyone’s company I was ready to hang out all night. I fell asleep at 2am and woke up at 9am and could not get out of bed. I finally, FINALLY dragged myself to the gym and forgot a water bottle, a hair tie, and my headphones. Awesome.

Last night Rico’s parents were in town and they came over to see our house and have dinner with me, Rico, and Rico’s SO. I have never met Rico’s parents before and wanted to make an excellent impression so that they would tell my roommate he could never leave and also generally find me charming. By about ten minutes before they said they would be home, I couldn’t come out of my bedroom. Then I heard them come in and Rico said hello and I still didn’t want to leave my bedroom. I had essentially forced Rico to introduce me to his parents, and I’m sure they were curious about the strange girl who Rico found on Craigslist and her sordid past, so I had absolutely no reason or excuse to not want to get out of my bed. Then it became even more awkward because it’s not like people “get lost” in 800 square feet and Rico knew I was home. Again, I had to drag myself out of bed and go have wine and appetizers with them and then go to dinner. I was prepared to tell them I was sorry, but I wasn’t feeling well and didn’t think I could go to dinner, but once I’d had half a bottle of wine I felt fine going. And we had a wonderful time. I had no reason to suspect we wouldn’t. They were very friendly and accommodating and I loved talking to them and spending time with them. Again by the time they came home I was like “Hey guys! Want more wine?!” and everyone was like, “No, you drunk fuck.”

The moral of this story is that I knew it was going to be fine and yet I was still a real a-hole about it. This morning I was babysitting and I’ve generally lived under the reality that if I get myself out of the house early in the morning I can do anything. Au contraire. This morning I had fun with the boys, then came home and got in bed. It was very difficult to get myself out of bed to go for a run and even to go to the fucking living room. I have to go to my professor’s house for dinner or appetizers or something at 6:30 and as I just thought of that my lower lip literally quivered. So who knows what’s up. But it’s clearly not my social skills.

* Names Changed

** Recipe: Papa Johns Large Pizza (half sausage for Rico, half extra cheese for me), rum, Coke Zero, an order of cheesy bread, Community, Parks & Rec, The Office, 30 Rock, Always Sunny, and recorded episodes of Up All Night.

I was watching the minutes on my laptop’s clock tick away, closer to the time I need to leave to celebrate a friend’s birthday down the street. I’m having a difficult time figuring out why I don’t want to go. Candidates include the fact that I feel fat and ugly, it is cold outside, it is dark outside, or I’m developing a crippling disorder known as agoraphobia. The center two options can be explained by Daylight Savings Time, and I have a fuzzy recollection that last year I saved a lot of money in November, December, and January. Part of this is because Rico* and I were playing chicken with the power bill about who would cave first and turn the fucking heat on. I think it was me because Rico was new and thought I was still powerful. He’s only recently learned the power of my silence – the only problem with that strategy is that it requires the other person to be annoyed by not having the privilege of my presence.

Anyway, I saved a lot of money in the winter, and I realize now it’s because I did not leave the house. I occasionally allowed myself to splurge on parking to go to school, and this was really exciting; but otherwise I went to school, my internship, the gym, and occasionally the grocery store. The grocery store was difficult and I had to coax myself by taking my ipod, which made the clusterfuck that is Giant only slightly more tolerable. Particularly the afternoon I recall during which I wanted to take the stairs instead of the elevator from the parking lot and was first accosted by the obvious stench of feces and rotting urine (all glass enclosements, you cruel mistresses, increase the heat but never absorb!), and then three vagrants lay over the steps so I had to walk over them. I felt both scared and like an asshole, both for being scared and for stepping on homeless people. I felt even more anger toward Giant than usual that day, and in my normal fashion, I decided to approach this by crafting a letter to Corporate Headquarters while I did my shopping. Unfortunately I took money out of the ATM and first and my whole plan was ruined when two Giant employees came looking for me to return my card to me and I felt too guilty about having thought they might be jerks that contributed to Giant to write in.

That put an effective end to going to the grocery store for anything that would take more than a few minutes, however. I also remember making plans with Mel* a few times and canceling at the last minute because I didn’t want to leave the house because it was cold (and probably dark). That was awesome of me. I did the same thing to her a couple of weeks ago even though it was warm and light because I had to work on a paper that was giving me anxiety.

This post is all over the place, and I posit that this is in part because I’ve killed another twelve minutes not getting ready to go to the Birthday Party for someone who has been very kind to me and the going away party of someone who is moving to New York whose apartment I hope to stay at for free.

I’ve been sitting here trying to think of a sign off for a few minutes and realized that was just wasting more time. Okay, when I hit “publish” I’m going to dry my hair. I am. Maybe I’ll play music while I do it. Hopefully there are no vagrants or piles of shit on the way.

*Names have been changed to protect the innocent in this blog. I will try to use only fake names and be consistent. Except for Norma since I sort of fucked that one up already. And Alaric.

In the spirit of my continuing maturation, a list of ‘Stuff I Like’ could probably more realistically be a sarcastic list of ‘Stuff I Like.’ Some of the ‘Stuff I Like’ would be as follows:

• Contractors who cash your check and don’t perform work because they know that Small Claims Court works such that all the costs are incurred on the plaintiff and, if the contractor happens to be improperly incorporated, it is nearly impossible to retrieve money, regardless of the judgment. Fuck that.
• The cost of law school tuition. $23,000 and some change per semester. Hollah back, girl.
• Every douchebag who comments on hollabackdc.
• When you refinance your home because of super low interest rates and you happen to do so in the midst of the same interval in which your biennial property taxes are collected, and both your old mortgage company and new mortgage company charge you for property taxes. So six months later you request a refund and talk to a horrible woman who works for the city government and then a horrible woman who works for a Big Bank and finally get your money refunded. And then the Big Bank changes your mortgage without telling you with the calculated escrow at a rate of 0% property tax. And then they figure it out and increase your mortgage dramatically after you’ve already taken out your student loans per the rate they gave you previously. This is especially awesome.
• Really, obscenely loud swallowing.

Yes, Norma, This is What it's Like to be a Virgin

In other news, I finally got bars installed on my window. I love them. They are ugly and throw off the feel of the room but I’m so, so proud to finally have some wrot iron on the interior of this house that will keep bad guys from crawling into my living room. Specifically bad guys who might have been hired to put in the first set of window bars and then ran off with my money and got angry when I put up a bad Yelp.com review. What a sad state of affairs when someone is more upset about a freaking Yelp.com review than the fact that he stole $700+ from you. Thanks, world.

I’m feeling a growing sense of excitement for my plunge into veganism. Plunge is the wrong word, because I’m not really plunging. I’m getting into the pool very slowly, and I feel a sense of excitement with it. My hope is that I’ll also pick up running as the time gets closer. One sort of odd thing I’m doing is trying to not be as hard on myself about NOT exercising right now, which is counterintuitive and possibly countereffective. When I feel ready to get back into an exercise routine, I’ll do it. Right now I’m active *enough* through walking around each day that I don’t feel disgusting, but I can tell that I’m weaker and out of shape than I was this summer, and that’s depressing. I like feeling like I’m in better shape. And fitting into cuter clothes. Mostly I just like feeling better and I don’t feel my best right now.

I don’t feel my best in part because dating is going catastrophically poorly, I’m tired of going to classes that are boring, I don’t have a job, friends are constantly challenging, sometimes contractors steal money from me and CVS loses my prescription and the dry cleaner misplaces my only good interview skirt and what if I never find a job and foreclose on my house and have to move back with my parents who have their own set of problems and can’t be a grown up and no one will ever love me. And I’m writing a novel. So one step at a time. Right?

This isn’t necessarily about weight loss as my goals have shifted. I would love to lose weight and be really hot, but I’d more love to be able to run a marathon and be really healthy. I want to start working on a 5K and see how it goes from there. And I’ve started phasing red meat out of my diet and will slowly begin working on poultry products in the next few months (Thanksgiving and all).

This is not really about food, although I believe that this conscientiousness and commitment to more natural foods will yield positive results and make me feel better physically. It’s more about the fact that I, personally, have had a more and more reduced ability to justify my own eating of animals and animal byproducts, for the most part. As a civil rights activist at heart (or so I proclaim to any asshole who will listen), I think it is important for me to be consistent. I’m having a hard time making these justifications; and when animal husbandry and many dairy products (WHICH I LOVE THIS IS GOING TO BE REALLY HARD) are unnecessarily cruel to animals, I just don’t think I can conscionably contribute unless I find it to be such a detriment to my life and diet that it becomes unsustaintable.

So, look for that update.

I overcommitted.

I’m poor.

I got in a fight with a contractor.

I cried at CVS.

This is feeling so sisiphysian. There’s no way that’s spelled correctly but I’m too lazy to look it up.

I’m having a hard time putting in extra physical activity. I’m trying to be conscientious about walking a lot instead but I definitely need a conscious change. Right now motivation is difficult.